Why Do Policemen Lick Their Balls?

Sorry, ladies, this is a terrible boys' joke. Your boys all know the punchline. In fact, it cropped up on 'I'm Sorry, I Haven't a Clue' the other week, when they were talking about chat-up lines that might be used by dogs … Oh damn, I've got it wrong: I didn't mean to say 'policemen', I meant to say 'dogs': "why do dogs lick their balls?" The punchline, as all boys know, is "Because they can!".

What I meant to say about policemen is "Why do policemen park on the pavement?" What confused me is that the answer is, of course, the same: "Because they can!" Now they're very busy, and it's a very hard job, and I/you wouldn't like to have to do some of the things they have to do. And they can't plan a lot of it at all. So why do things like this upset us so much?

Well, it's because we suspect that this isn't one of those urgent, unplanned situations, where they were trying to rush some psychopath into a cell, or pick up some urgent piece of equipment en route to rescue some terrified woman. We suspect that they're doing it because they can; because nobody can stop them, like they stop us. And we're jealous. If only we could break the law when we have an urgent need to, without some pecksniff jobsworth taping a ticket to our windscreen.

It's the tension between our feeling cowed by minor laws, and our suspicion that they don't apply to people in authority. I'm sure we've all been in a group when a police car passes with its blue lights flashing: someone in the group is pretty nearly bound to say "I expect they're late for their teabreak", aren't they? It's because we have a statistical understanding of the world: although we rarely overrun our parking time, we often get a ticket; although the police rarely struggle with psychopaths (and I repeat, I don't envy them their task when they do), they often park on the pavement.

I used to walk up and down Eltham High Street a lot, late in the evening. Police cars would sometimes pass me, going, in my judgement, much too fast. They were only going a few miles at most, so however fast they drove, it was only going to save a few seconds. And it was so dangerous. Not because they were bad drivers, I'm sure they weren't (and aren't). I'm sure they were driving well within their competence. It's the rest of us who couldn't cope with it. It only needed one of us to be stupid and there was likely to be a disaster. So I always wrote a letter of complaint. And the Met did its PR thing and tried to smooth the ruffled feathers. But it went on. And I continued to write my letters.

They don't do it now. Well, so rarely that I'm inclined to think those occasions might indeed be exceptional. But I don't think it had much to do with my letters. I think it was because the accident rate was becoming apparent to the public.

We need brave policemen who are willing to risk making mistakes, who are willing to shoot the wrong man, or bang the wrong head. Which is why we need them to be highly disciplined and well-officered.

I'm sure the parking shown in these pictures was well-justified. These pictures were both taken outside Eltham Police Station. The night picture was taken at 11.09pm on the 8^th of July, and the daytime one at 7.24pm on the 10^th.